This Love thing is so strange

Yesterday was my birthday.  It was Sunday so he was off.  It was the strangest thing…since Saturday I had this overwhelming compulsion to hug him…it was as if I was a little girl looking for comfort…waiting for him to say it was all a bad dream.

I had to remember the texts, the lies, the tears, the insults just so I wouldn’t go do what I felt so desperately to do.  Love is strange.  How on earth I can still love him.  After all this.

Just as I was getting ready to go to the movies with my daughter, I had a shocking memory.I asked him…a few months back, you told me some co worker was celebrating her daughter’s Quinceañero and I remember you asked me to go…was that Maritza?  Yes he said as a matter of fact…I wanted you and Isa to go and spend some time with her.  My jaw dropped…I counldn’t  believe it.  He wanted me to go buy his girlfriends daugher a present and go spend time, me and my daughter, with her.  He has absolutely no dignity.

None at all.

One day at a time

I told my sister I’m in training.  I’m training to be strong inside and out.

I went to see a therapist on Tuesday…completely loved her.  I felt I was talking to an aunt.  To a strong, independent, don’t take shit from anybody aunt.  She told me flat out…it is wrong…the way he texted her and email her is wrong.  Friends do not talk like that…they are trying to manipulate you.

After we had our talk…she asked me to please try and do the following until we meet again on August (she was actually on vacation but she saw me as a concession) : do not confront him and do not decide anything.  She will help me get strong to deal with this and make the best decision for ME.

What a change…what a relief.  All these years everything revolved around him…not anymore.

My birthday is this Sunday, and Amazon send me a receipt for a 99 cents book I didn’t order.  It was one of this romantic type kind of novels…not what I like.  It so happens it was Frank or Satan Incarnated which how I like to call him these days.  I deleted it from my library and told him do not give me anything, it hurts, just respect me and be cordial while we are still living together.  But don’t try to ingratiate yourself by giving me something  and mostly something that is clearly not my style and so cheap.  Honestly, it was probably his dear Maritza who recommend it.  I don’t want anything from him.  I can’t even go to PF Changs since in one of his emails he wrote to her that he wished she was there with him…in our restaurant.

What do I want?

Today I’m going to see a therapist…what do I want?  I want to stop feeling like this, sad, angry, betrayed, confused…I want my husband to love me, to like me, to want to spend time with me and our children…I want to come home and be happy that he is there…look forward to see him when he comes from work…to hug him, kiss him, laugh with him, to see my children relax in our company, to touch him and for him to want to touch me…I want him to want me…to love me.

But, I really need is…to find a way to cope and put this behind me.  Find a way to have peace, to laugh, to be happy again.  To accept the fact that he doesn’t love me anymore, he loves another…he doesn’t like me anymore, he likes another…he doesn’t want me anymore…he wants her.

I was looking through his phones again, emails, I was never like this.  Of course it’s futile now since he is deleting everything.  I found a call from her…he played dumb.  I even delete her contact and as soon as I did it…started laughing at myself.  You can delete a person.

I looked through her Facebook profile and can’t understand how my husband loves her.  She is everything he criticised in women and yet…that is the one he loves.  How jealous I am of her , how I wish I had his love and attention just like her for him to text me and look forward to be with me just like her.  And I stopped myself.  There is nothing I can do…nothing I can change…he just fell in love with her and won’t even give the courtesy of explaining me why.

So that is what I’m going to tell the doctor today…I want to learn how to cope with this situation so I can eventually accept that I will never understand why, he will never respect me enough to talk to me and so I can eventually be happy again.

 

Since the therapist

We went to couples counselling last Wednesday.  Great doctor. Even tough she just talked to us separately I felt a little lighter.  It was weird because I was upset because I didn’t get to talk to him, but at the same time talking to her, the doctor, made me feel better.

So she said that he is an alcoholic and doesn’t admits it.  That all the cheating and lying comes from that and that she doesn’t think they slept together…that it’s an emotional affair because they are both alcoholics.  She also said that she understood completely if I wanted to end it…but that the only thing that would motivate him to get help is not to lose me.

Well, I’ve been thinking about that since then.  I even took a break from the fighting and this was a quiet weekend.  I even invited him for a walk on the beach so we could talk. The problem was that once again I was the only one talking.  I asked him again if he still thought that it was ok to love that woman (like he said once…I love her differently than you…what’s the problem?).  He said no this time, but I felt like we was just saying what I want to hear.

According to the doctor all this is because he is an alcoholic, but…he is not drinking all the time.  All those texts happened when he was sober, so I can understand that a big part of the problem could be due to alcoholism.  But it can’t be an excuse for everything.  I checked the times and it was during working hours…how can alcoholism explain that.

So he feels better with her, understood because she drinks?

 

 

 

How can I still want him back?

Or better yet, after all this, how can I wish this never happened?  It’s so difficult because he is still in my house.  I see him and I truly wish this never happened.  That he never fell in love with Maritza, that he didn’t lie to me, that he didn’t break my heart.

I miss him, my husband when he loved me, I miss his jokes, his tenderness, his passion.  It’s all gone now.  I miss being loved by him.

I’ve been working out a lot, finally after so many years I’m losing weight.  Ironic no?  Well at least I’m keeping healthy.  But while I was trying to relax I had a hard time trying to quite down my mind.  It was going 100 miles per hour, how can this be?  I want him to be in love with me not Maritza…I don’t want to hurt anymore.

I go home and I can feel him tense up as soon as I walk through the door.  He is avoiding me and if I try to speak to him, it’s like he is recoiling…like the snake he is.

I’m so nervous right now because in a few hours we will be in couples counselling.  What for?  This is over…why go then?  Because it’s my last hope that he might admit and explain why?

He is a bad bad man

I told him last night that I didn’t know him.  I had no idea that he could be this cruel, lying, cheating person. After all these years together, I never thought that he would be such a hypocrite.  I even have more evidence, but he keeps saying that it doesn’t mean a thing.

Saying I love you to someone doesn’t mean a thing?  Texting her from our favorite restaurant that you wish she was there with you doesn’t mean a thing?  Who is this man?  How can he keep denying it?

I must accept the fact that I might never know…I might never understand.  Nobody deserves to be treated with such disrespect…and yet this man who I’ve been loving for the past 22 1/2 years is doing just that.

I spoked with his precious Maritza.  What a character.  She claimed again and again that there is nothing between them.  That they are best of friends and are always together, they are coworkers and always have lunch, coffee breaks, cigarette breaks and drinks breaks…and yet I never knew about her.  Why is that? I asked her.  After she kept trying to assure me that he loves me; I stopped her.  I said: Lady, you claim that there is nothing between the two of you but friendship, yet, friends do not speak to each other in such a manner.  Friends do not secretly text each other I love you, or send pictures of their manicures, or tell each other that they wish they were there with them…instead of their spouses.  I can’t remember the last time he said I love you to me spontaneously or smile while we were out.  I can’t remember receiving a loving text from him…I just get a grumpy distant man who doesn’t want to be with me but insist it’s all in my head.  And last but no least, you claim that you only feel friendship towards him…maybe that’s so but…he is in love with you.

After I hang up, I felt completely humilliated.  In the evening I told him all this.  He just claims that he is too tired to think…too overwhelmed by work…too tired to think?  That is the answer you give to someone who just poured her heart out to you?

My sister told me not to talk to him anymore.  He doesn’t love me and I just have to accept that fact and move on.  No more shopping for evidence and talk to him about it…because all I’m doing is getting hurt. Am I a masoquist?  Why do I need the why, the how when I know he just doesn’t care?

 

The last 48 hours…

Last night, in another attempt to talk, I tried to keep it together and told him that I was calm (he keeps saying that he doesn’t want to hurt me and that I can’t listen to him and that is way he just doesn’t talk to me).  I just needed to know.

What I know now?…well, at least that she is not married.  Why is that comforting ? Well, where I live, men are quite “passionate” when it comes to be cheated on…they can’t stand been cuckolded…”que les pongan cuernos” and it just too many stories about these so called passionate men who end up killing everybody in sight when it comes to cleaning their honor.

So this woman, this “just friend” of his, is not married.  Why don’t you go live with her? I asked him,  “because I don’t want to and she has a young daughter so she doesn’t want anybody in her house”.  mmm

Little by little I found out how long they’ve been going out, her marital status and just how comfortable he feels with her.  But no matter what, he won’t admit that he is in love with her. “I love her differently than I love you”  he told me after I asked him why he texted her that he loved her.  He said first that saying I love you doesn’t mean anything… WHAT?  So it doesn’t mean anything when you have said it to me this past 22 and a half years!!! (which by the way I can’t remember when was the last time he said it).  But he just resolved it by saying that he loves her differently. Ouch.

And after that, of course, since I started crying because after all I’m only human, he claimed that he can’t talked to me.  I became a mess, but I didn’t want my kids to see me like that, so I went out for a walk.  A long, long walk and believe me that it’s quite difficult since it’s hot as hell here.  But I kept on…crying at first…trying to catch my breath later. God, if there is one good thing that I’m going to get out of this is that I’m going to get in shape.

When I came back, I talked to my children and told them I’m done fighting.  I didn’t tell them details but explained to them that I couldn’t be with their Dad any longer and that there wasn’t going to be any more fighting.  They didn’t say anything, just looked tired.

They looked like I felt.  Tired, exhausted.  I don’t remember crying so much in my life.

This morning, I sat down next to him and cried again, and between sobs I told him that he couldn’t stay with us anymore.  He touch my arms and told me OK.