After the last fight last week, I was able to spend the rest of the week in total peace. No more fighting, we were getting along, the mood at the house was peaceful and we even went out as friends to the movies and a walk to the park on Sunday…ahhh Nirvana and then this Monday…Ka-POW.
He is off on Mondays, he looked for a couples therapist. When I got home, we went to the terrace to talk. We did the active listening exercise and it was great (one person talks for 3 minutes the other listens and when he is done you repeat what he said, no opinions or interpretations, just repeat what you heard). And then…boom. He told me that he found a therapist, the appointment is on the 22nd and that for now he is going to see him alone because he wants to tell him what happened. Well, I know I’m not a machine but I could swear that something inside me went auga auga like those boat alarms.
I didn’t tell him anything about that, I didn’t want to give him another excuse so he could keep saying that he can’t tell me anything…so, naturally I proceeded to pick a fight. I started calm, and told him that since there is no appointment for us in the near future as a couple, I had to tell him a concern that I had…mmm. I had the nagging feeling that since I sent them a very strong email (to him and the ho_ _, excuse me, his friend Maritza) to their work addresses; I had the paranoid feeling that he was just being nice to me in order to protect her so I wouldn’t go there make a scene and get them fired.
Just as I was telling him this, the weirdest thing happened. It was as if I was having an out of body experience…me, the sane one, was hoovering over the crazy one…the one talking to him. I was screaming to myself…STOP, SHUT UP, but nope, Crazy-Me didn’t pay attention. So, insanity took over and I ended up theathening her children, him, her, saying gangster crap like: If my children suffer, her children will suffer DOUBLE…you will never tell me that you love me in front of her because YOU LOVE HER and you are protecting her, you are sure I will hurt her….ra ra ra .
I hate to say this but he looked at me like I was a crazy monkey and to be totally honest…I was. That made me furious…that he was right. He didn’t say anything…I did all the yelling, the insulting, the gangster crap…all that was left was to drop a microphone and leave the stage.
Oh my Lord, all that Nirvana peace out the window. I made a total fool of myself. I don’t know how but I manage to run to the bathroom, tear my clothes and jump in the cold shower. Afterwards, I called my sponsor from Al-Anon, all embarrassed and full of guilt. And I thank God for this woman because I was feeling horrible, a failure, I abandoned my peace, I gave him more excuses to keep judging me ( and probably commit me)…but my Sponsor just laughed.
She said, ahh te embarraste (you shat yourself) and kept laughing until I started laughing. I laughed for a long time, God do I need to laugh, and started listening, really listen. She told me that he even though he is the alcoholic, I’m sick. I’ve coping with this disease using defense mechanisms, aggressive attitudes and thoughts that are not healthy. I must give myself time to heal from his infidelity and his abusive behaviour towards me (his apathy and completely ignoring me has been abusive). I must forgive myself and no matter how many times I slip…I have to get up again.
Yesterday morning I told him in a very calmed manner that I didn’t believe that he loves me. That I don’t trust him and that I feel, truly feel, that he is just with me out of convenience because for some reason or other he can’t be with Maritza (God I hate that name). I stopped myself and left for work. Last night I went to an Al-Anon meeting and even though I didn’t get a turn to talk to the group; I felt calm. I hugged my sponsor and went home. I didn’t talk to Frank last night. This morning, very politely I wished him a good morning and a good day.
Baby steps, most importantly with myself. I’m still hurting and I have to make peace with the fact that I will be hurting for a long time. I have to protect myself. I can’t expect that everything will be perfect and that I will be perfect. I’m afraid to get hurt again, that he is still lying. That he doesn’t want to get couples therapy…I’m afraid I’m afraid I AM AFRAID. So, I have to take it slow. Sloth-slow.