If that is even possible. Let’s see. I ‘ve taken a few days off and I’m regretting this because at least at my job I would keep busy all the time. At home with my two kids; I have to pretend than I’m enjoying myself.
On Monday we went to the last session with the social worker, she wasn’t a doctor after all. She wanted to keep seeing us but I’ve already told Frank the night before that I prefer to see a doctor. I didn’t like the way she so casually implied this was my fault for being a mother first and that since he was an alcoholic, I couldn’t mention anything that would upset him…so according to this woman, I’m suppose to stash my feeling where the sun doesn’t shine.
She told us that I could make the appointment under my name and say…oh for example that I’m depressed…Frank of course wanted to keep seeing her…imagine, blame it all on alcoholism and I’m not allowed to even mention his precious Maritza because it would upset him…I looked at him in disbelief…didn’t I just say the night before that I didn’t want to see this social worker again??? That we needed a professional, a doctor? But there he was again…ignoring what I said.
So I told him that since he wanted to see her again, I would make the appointment but it would be just for him, I wouldn’t go in. Give me the number to call I told him. Later he said he couldn’t find it. I opened his wallet and there it was…ta-raaaa. Another lye. Why? I told him, if you wanted to do this by yourself, you could just have told me…you didn’t have to lye again. I guess that after years of lies…that is all he knows.
So there, another stupid and pointless fight. But this time I got even more creative. I emailed him and his Maritza a very long letter to their offices (since they use their office emails to send each other I love you’s and love poems, Why couldn’t I use their work addresses to tell them how this romance hurt me and my family?). It’s humiliating I know but when we were talking to the social worker he said that Maritza was so relieved of clearing her name…What? I know there are morons in this planet but this woman is taking the price.
So I wrote them how they have in their reckeleness destroyed a marriage and a family. I asked her how is it possible that she, who went through a divorce because her husband cheated on her, could do the same to another woman…another family.
I’m expecting the impossible. I have a fair code of conduct…don’t do on to others what you hate to be done to you…SIMPLE. Why do I expect that this two low lives, cheap,drunk, excuses of human beings to have honor and behave with dignity. They are nothing, cheating, lyers, low life garbage who truly believe they have done nothing wrong.
But I’m exhausted of being a victim. Last night I dreamed that Maritza had a disease and Frank wouldn’t tell me if it was contagious to my children…so I strangled him. I woke up with so much tension that my face hurt. I told him my nightmare and promised him that if he and Maritza ever hurt or made my children feel bad, they will pay. Not a threat…a promise.
I worked out afterwards like I was The Rock. I kept having this fantasies where I would break their legs and punched them until all their teeth would fall off.
After I finished, working out and plotting all these perversities, I sat down and looked at the morning sky. I truly asked myself if punching them would bring me any comfort…if them being hurt would make me feel better. I smiled at myself and with all the honesty I could muster…I said no. No, it won’t bring me joy or peace to hurt them. If anything, it would make me humiliate myself even more if that was possible and give them the more reason to say that I’m no good.
I’m expecting undertanding and respect from a narcissistic, immature, alcoholic person. To understand how hurted, humiliated and ignored I feel. He could never understand…how can he? He truly believes he has done nothing wrong and that he didn’t tell me he was in love with someone else because I would argue with him. He is convinced he is right and I’m wrong. And I think that the only reason he is trying to be civil with me is so I won’t run to the Hotel where they work and make a show from which they would get fired.
I wish there was a button that I could press so I would stop feeling so miserable.