Is not him I miss, it’s the old him

I guess coming back to work from a long weekend it’s always hard.  But harder because he is still home.  And not talking to me or taking any initiative to do so.

Last week after my first meeting with Al-Anon I felt great.  I wasn’t alone, I learned a lot, from which most importantly the Golden lesson: I can’t blame myself for his alcoholism.  I can’t force him to get help either.  The rest of the week was peaceful.  I was even doing the active listening exercise with him (of course I would ask him to do them, always me initiating everything of course).  And we were talking, about everything else but us.

Until Friday, when I was driving to Al -Anon for a very special anniversary; one of the AA members was celebrating 60 years sober!!!  I made the mistake to call Frank on the way and ask him if he was going to join me.  He said no, and there it was again…me getting help, him sitting on the couch waiting for me to feel better so everything could go back to normal…him drinking and having fun with his girlfriend and me…getting old and depressed by the minute.

I started crying because he hasn’t even call AA so it’s just the same all over.  He doesn’t think he is doing anything wrong…he thinks I’m wrong so why should he change anything.  And there it was…the frustration again.

During the weekend, I just relaxed with my kids and barely spoke to him.  This morning I asked him if he was going to take next week off and he said no (I have it off).  He said that I told him not to, I told him no such thing…he doesn’t want to be with me.  That is all, very simple, why do I keep asking him anything when I know he won’t tell me the truth…the coward.

He got up and left and I stayed in a state of sadness and loneliness.  Now I know what I miss, not the “today him”, I miss the “before him”.  The Frank that wanted to share everything with me, wanted to spend time with me, wanted to talk to me…

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