Apparently I had this coming…according to the social worker that Frank’s job referred us to…it’s my fault she said.
We went for our second appointment yesterday. I thought she was a doctor but today I found out she is not. I was addressing her as doctor, but she didn’t correct me. He went first, then me and she was upset because she said that he was more upset than the first time. What happened? she asked me.
So I proceded to tell her, that not only I don’t believe alcoholism is the excuse for all, but that if we don’t resolve the incident with Maritza…all the lying and I love you’s…we can’t advanced at all. I need to talk to him and he won’t talk to me unless we are at the doctor’s office. Well, are you going to let him talk and not attack him? she asked me…and my jaw dropped at this. I can’t remember saying yes. But she let him in anyway.
So he was angry, still repeating that I’m making all this up, and I tried to tell him to put himself in my position. But both of them cut me off. At the end she said that because my children have been my priority, he grew resented and that is why he is the way he is today. She said that I cannot mention the lady (Maritza) and if I need to, only in her office. That I shouldn’t try to control him or have a say in what he thinks. She urged me to go to Al Anon so I could change my way of thinking.
I left the office in a dazed. When we were going home, I asked him if he felt better. He said yes and I said good. He asked me if I felt better and I said no but before I had a chance to explain why he said again and again: I knew you were just setting me up.
And I lost it, I asked him what? I was just going to explain that it was a hard therapy but you think that I have some sort of sheme to hurt you? It’s that how you see me? As a nasty monster our to get you. No wonder you feel better, according to the social worker everything is my fault. So I had this coming? Why didn’t you say anything ever? Why just shut me out, judge me and shove me to the side? And you know what…this is bullshit, you and that woman have an affair weather emotional or physical because friends don’t talk to each other like that…what do you expect from me? You want to bring your hore home so I can make you breakfast after you fuck her?
I came home and I wanted to destroy the whole house. I scremed so loud that my throat hurt. I took a long very cold shower and afterward when for a long walk. When I came back I told him it was over, he thinks I’m a horrible monster and I don’t trust him so there is no point.
I talked to my children and my 20 year old told me, Mami, he is just mistreating you out of guilt.
At night, very late, I wrote him what I wanted to tell him about why I didn’t feel good, I wrote him a long long letter…and I finished whit: I’m not insisting anymore.
Today he is just mad, of course…I keep forgetting I did all this. I had it coming right?
I do admit that I could have given us as a couple more time, but he could have said so. I do admit that we could have give each other more, but how can all this be on me? How can I ignore how I feel and just shove my feeling and go to a meeting so I can think differently about alcoholics so I can help him?
What about me? Don’t I count?