What do I want?

Today I’m going to see a therapist…what do I want?  I want to stop feeling like this, sad, angry, betrayed, confused…I want my husband to love me, to like me, to want to spend time with me and our children…I want to come home and be happy that he is there…look forward to see him when he comes from work…to hug him, kiss him, laugh with him, to see my children relax in our company, to touch him and for him to want to touch me…I want him to want me…to love me.

But, I really need is…to find a way to cope and put this behind me.  Find a way to have peace, to laugh, to be happy again.  To accept the fact that he doesn’t love me anymore, he loves another…he doesn’t like me anymore, he likes another…he doesn’t want me anymore…he wants her.

I was looking through his phones again, emails, I was never like this.  Of course it’s futile now since he is deleting everything.  I found a call from her…he played dumb.  I even delete her contact and as soon as I did it…started laughing at myself.  You can delete a person.

I looked through her Facebook profile and can’t understand how my husband loves her.  She is everything he criticised in women and yet…that is the one he loves.  How jealous I am of her , how I wish I had his love and attention just like her for him to text me and look forward to be with me just like her.  And I stopped myself.  There is nothing I can do…nothing I can change…he just fell in love with her and won’t even give the courtesy of explaining me why.

So that is what I’m going to tell the doctor today…I want to learn how to cope with this situation so I can eventually accept that I will never understand why, he will never respect me enough to talk to me and so I can eventually be happy again.

 

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