Is not him I miss, it’s the old him

I guess coming back to work from a long weekend it’s always hard.  But harder because he is still home.  And not talking to me or taking any initiative to do so.

Last week after my first meeting with Al-Anon I felt great.  I wasn’t alone, I learned a lot, from which most importantly the Golden lesson: I can’t blame myself for his alcoholism.  I can’t force him to get help either.  The rest of the week was peaceful.  I was even doing the active listening exercise with him (of course I would ask him to do them, always me initiating everything of course).  And we were talking, about everything else but us.

Until Friday, when I was driving to Al -Anon for a very special anniversary; one of the AA members was celebrating 60 years sober!!!  I made the mistake to call Frank on the way and ask him if he was going to join me.  He said no, and there it was again…me getting help, him sitting on the couch waiting for me to feel better so everything could go back to normal…him drinking and having fun with his girlfriend and me…getting old and depressed by the minute.

I started crying because he hasn’t even call AA so it’s just the same all over.  He doesn’t think he is doing anything wrong…he thinks I’m wrong so why should he change anything.  And there it was…the frustration again.

During the weekend, I just relaxed with my kids and barely spoke to him.  This morning I asked him if he was going to take next week off and he said no (I have it off).  He said that I told him not to, I told him no such thing…he doesn’t want to be with me.  That is all, very simple, why do I keep asking him anything when I know he won’t tell me the truth…the coward.

He got up and left and I stayed in a state of sadness and loneliness.  Now I know what I miss, not the “today him”, I miss the “before him”.  The Frank that wanted to share everything with me, wanted to spend time with me, wanted to talk to me…

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So now it’s my fault?

Apparently I had this coming…according to the social worker that Frank’s job referred us to…it’s my fault she said.

 

We went for our second appointment yesterday.  I thought she was a doctor but today I found out she is not.  I was addressing her as doctor, but she didn’t correct me.  He went first, then me and she was upset because she said that he was more upset than the first time.  What happened? she asked me.

So I proceded to tell her, that not only I don’t believe alcoholism is the excuse for all, but that if we don’t resolve the incident with Maritza…all the lying and I love you’s…we can’t advanced at all. I need to talk to him and he won’t talk to me unless we are at the doctor’s office. Well, are you going to let him talk and not attack him?  she asked me…and my jaw dropped at this.  I can’t remember saying yes. But she let him in anyway.

So he was angry, still repeating that I’m making all this up, and I tried to tell him to put himself in my position.  But both of them cut me off.  At the end she said that because my children have been my priority, he grew resented and that is why he is the way he is today. She said that I cannot mention the lady (Maritza) and if I need to, only in her office. That I shouldn’t try to control him or have a say in what he thinks.  She urged me to go to Al Anon so I could change my way of thinking.

I left the office in a dazed.  When we were going home, I asked him if he felt better. He said yes and I said good.  He asked me if I felt better and I said no but before I had a chance to explain why he said again and again: I knew you were just setting me up.

And I lost it, I asked him what?  I was just going to explain that it was a hard therapy but you think that I have some sort of sheme to hurt you?  It’s that how you see me?  As a nasty monster our to get you.  No wonder you feel better, according to the social worker everything is my fault.  So I had this coming?  Why didn’t you say anything ever?  Why just shut me out, judge me and shove me to the side?  And you know what…this is bullshit, you and that woman have an affair weather emotional or physical because friends don’t talk to each other like that…what do you expect from me?  You want to bring your hore home so I can make you breakfast after you fuck her?

I came home and I wanted to destroy the whole house.  I scremed so loud that my throat hurt.  I took a long very cold shower and afterward when for a long walk.  When I came back I told him it was over, he thinks I’m a horrible monster and I don’t trust him so there is no point.

I talked to my children and my 20 year old told me, Mami, he is just mistreating you out of guilt.

At night, very late, I wrote him what I wanted to tell him about why I didn’t feel good, I wrote him a long long letter…and I finished whit: I’m not insisting anymore.

Today he is just mad, of course…I keep forgetting I did all this.  I had it coming right?

WRONG!!!

I do admit that I could have given us as a couple more time, but he could have said so. I do admit that we could have give each other more, but how can all this be on me?  How can I ignore how I feel and just shove my feeling and go to a meeting so I can think differently about alcoholics so I can help him?

What about me?  Don’t I count?

 

 

 

This Love thing is so strange

Yesterday was my birthday.  It was Sunday so he was off.  It was the strangest thing…since Saturday I had this overwhelming compulsion to hug him…it was as if I was a little girl looking for comfort…waiting for him to say it was all a bad dream.

I had to remember the texts, the lies, the tears, the insults just so I wouldn’t go do what I felt so desperately to do.  Love is strange.  How on earth I can still love him.  After all this.

Just as I was getting ready to go to the movies with my daughter, I had a shocking memory.I asked him…a few months back, you told me some co worker was celebrating her daughter’s Quinceañero and I remember you asked me to go…was that Maritza?  Yes he said as a matter of fact…I wanted you and Isa to go and spend some time with her.  My jaw dropped…I counldn’t  believe it.  He wanted me to go buy his girlfriends daugher a present and go spend time, me and my daughter, with her.  He has absolutely no dignity.

None at all.

One day at a time

I told my sister I’m in training.  I’m training to be strong inside and out.

I went to see a therapist on Tuesday…completely loved her.  I felt I was talking to an aunt.  To a strong, independent, don’t take shit from anybody aunt.  She told me flat out…it is wrong…the way he texted her and email her is wrong.  Friends do not talk like that…they are trying to manipulate you.

After we had our talk…she asked me to please try and do the following until we meet again on August (she was actually on vacation but she saw me as a concession) : do not confront him and do not decide anything.  She will help me get strong to deal with this and make the best decision for ME.

What a change…what a relief.  All these years everything revolved around him…not anymore.

My birthday is this Sunday, and Amazon send me a receipt for a 99 cents book I didn’t order.  It was one of this romantic type kind of novels…not what I like.  It so happens it was Frank or Satan Incarnated which how I like to call him these days.  I deleted it from my library and told him do not give me anything, it hurts, just respect me and be cordial while we are still living together.  But don’t try to ingratiate yourself by giving me something  and mostly something that is clearly not my style and so cheap.  Honestly, it was probably his dear Maritza who recommend it.  I don’t want anything from him.  I can’t even go to PF Changs since in one of his emails he wrote to her that he wished she was there with him…in our restaurant.

What do I want?

Today I’m going to see a therapist…what do I want?  I want to stop feeling like this, sad, angry, betrayed, confused…I want my husband to love me, to like me, to want to spend time with me and our children…I want to come home and be happy that he is there…look forward to see him when he comes from work…to hug him, kiss him, laugh with him, to see my children relax in our company, to touch him and for him to want to touch me…I want him to want me…to love me.

But, I really need is…to find a way to cope and put this behind me.  Find a way to have peace, to laugh, to be happy again.  To accept the fact that he doesn’t love me anymore, he loves another…he doesn’t like me anymore, he likes another…he doesn’t want me anymore…he wants her.

I was looking through his phones again, emails, I was never like this.  Of course it’s futile now since he is deleting everything.  I found a call from her…he played dumb.  I even delete her contact and as soon as I did it…started laughing at myself.  You can delete a person.

I looked through her Facebook profile and can’t understand how my husband loves her.  She is everything he criticised in women and yet…that is the one he loves.  How jealous I am of her , how I wish I had his love and attention just like her for him to text me and look forward to be with me just like her.  And I stopped myself.  There is nothing I can do…nothing I can change…he just fell in love with her and won’t even give the courtesy of explaining me why.

So that is what I’m going to tell the doctor today…I want to learn how to cope with this situation so I can eventually accept that I will never understand why, he will never respect me enough to talk to me and so I can eventually be happy again.

 

Since the therapist

We went to couples counselling last Wednesday.  Great doctor. Even tough she just talked to us separately I felt a little lighter.  It was weird because I was upset because I didn’t get to talk to him, but at the same time talking to her, the doctor, made me feel better.

So she said that he is an alcoholic and doesn’t admits it.  That all the cheating and lying comes from that and that she doesn’t think they slept together…that it’s an emotional affair because they are both alcoholics.  She also said that she understood completely if I wanted to end it…but that the only thing that would motivate him to get help is not to lose me.

Well, I’ve been thinking about that since then.  I even took a break from the fighting and this was a quiet weekend.  I even invited him for a walk on the beach so we could talk. The problem was that once again I was the only one talking.  I asked him again if he still thought that it was ok to love that woman (like he said once…I love her differently than you…what’s the problem?).  He said no this time, but I felt like we was just saying what I want to hear.

According to the doctor all this is because he is an alcoholic, but…he is not drinking all the time.  All those texts happened when he was sober, so I can understand that a big part of the problem could be due to alcoholism.  But it can’t be an excuse for everything.  I checked the times and it was during working hours…how can alcoholism explain that.

So he feels better with her, understood because she drinks?

 

 

 

How can I still want him back?

Or better yet, after all this, how can I wish this never happened?  It’s so difficult because he is still in my house.  I see him and I truly wish this never happened.  That he never fell in love with Maritza, that he didn’t lie to me, that he didn’t break my heart.

I miss him, my husband when he loved me, I miss his jokes, his tenderness, his passion.  It’s all gone now.  I miss being loved by him.

I’ve been working out a lot, finally after so many years I’m losing weight.  Ironic no?  Well at least I’m keeping healthy.  But while I was trying to relax I had a hard time trying to quite down my mind.  It was going 100 miles per hour, how can this be?  I want him to be in love with me not Maritza…I don’t want to hurt anymore.

I go home and I can feel him tense up as soon as I walk through the door.  He is avoiding me and if I try to speak to him, it’s like he is recoiling…like the snake he is.

I’m so nervous right now because in a few hours we will be in couples counselling.  What for?  This is over…why go then?  Because it’s my last hope that he might admit and explain why?